EPISODE RATING: 6/10 | IMPORTANCE IN SERIES ARC: 8/10
"Did ya learn to fight in a castle?!” | “He could be the first
man in 50 years to sit on that throne and deserve it.”
Tommen gets his King on, Lady Arryn gets her kink on, Jon Snow
gets his kill on and Arya gets, er, stomped on. Karl has a severe case of
swordmouth. A couple of big events but otherwise another building block of an
episode. Themes of the week are (a) the lives of Westeros’s women and (b)
fighting dirty vs “waterdancing”. Plus a screwball theory from me about
Daenerys Targaryen and Oberyn Martell joining forces (again, I haven’t read the
books).
Name of the week: the Vale of
Arryn’s “Bloody Gate” – the name says it all. Thou shalt not pass.
Pet theory: Martells + Targaryen link-up
I’m always fond of
imagining the links between different members of GoT. Like what would happen
if/when Daenerys met Aemon Targaryen (Night’s Watch)? He happens to be her
grand uncle. However, that link-up doesn’t seem to have the firepower to change
things. What does, however, is the link between Oberyn Martell and Daenerys
Targaryen. Step forward Elia Targaryen née Martell…actually, she can’t, because
the Mountain raped and killed her during Robert’s Rebellion. Oberyn has since
been baying for Lannister blood. As she was a Targaryen, I can’t imagine
Daenerys looking kindly upon that either. I know the Targaryens originally had
some bad blood with the Martells, but the marriage should’ve ended that.
What if, just maybe, Daenerys assured
him use of her army and dragons in return for some choice assassinations? Like,
say, Tywin Lannister? Remember that the Red Viper is a master of poisons and he
could surely do this. The only thing standing in his way would be the
repercussions. But with Daenerys, her unsullied and dragons on his side, Oberyn
would have all the courage and protection he needed (not that he’s particularly
short of chutzpah anyway). He could be the Walder Frey in this Red Wedding,
with Daenerys in Tywin’s role and Tywin in the Robb Stark role. Remember, you
read it here first.
Main plot movements:
Lord Baelish – we discover that he is responsible for the
act that really set off the entire story in the Game of Thrones.
Kings Landing/the Lannisters are close to being bust –
Kings Landing and Casterly Rock have what you could call a cashflow problem, in
that they have to keep paying interest but aren’t finding any new gold (or
whatever it is they mine).
Daenerys putting Westeros-conquesting on hold – her previous conquests are sliding back into despotism and
butchery, so she’s going back, to SORT IT OUT.
Night’s Watch + Jon Snow – Jon Snow is
reunited with Ghost! Yes!! Also, the good guys have found the mutineers at
Craster’s and butchered them all. Such heroes. Wait, who’s guarding Castle
Black?
Bran et al – they’re free. And yeah, their scenes
are still trippy and warg-y. Also, Locke + Hodor/Bran = broken neck for
somebody.
Questions:
We’re still yet to see: Gendry, Osha/Rickon and Yara.
Why does Lysa wail like a banshee during sexytime?!
Why exactly did Baelish have Jon Arryn murdered?
It’s easy to caricature Game of
Thrones (“GoT”) as torture-porn in a literal and figurative sense: the good
guys keep getting deper and deeper into trouble while the bad guys rule. The
good guy list was: Tyrion (jailed for a crime he didn’t commit), Ned & Robb
Stark (dead), Jon Snow (getting there but with difficulty), Daenerys (doing
fine) and Ser Davos (jailed but now free). Then look at the bad guys:
Lannisters (ruling the roost), Freys and Boltons (controlling the North),
Baelish (holed up in an impenetrable fortress with a Stark and an Arryn) and so
on. So it was odd to see a typical deus ex machine moment when Jon Snow’s men
declared battle at Craster’s Keep just as Karl was about to “hurt” a young girl
in the way Cersei alluded to earlier. Sometimes, people deserve to have their
faith rewarded (guess where that’s from), particularly if they’ve sat through
3.5 seasons of unfair butchery of good guys. Anyway, let’s get stuck in.
“He could be the first man in 50 years to sit on that throne and
deserve it.”
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| Tumbleweed. |
Cersei and Margaery – are we
seeing an alliance? Compromise? What I do like about Margaery is her consummate
professionalism. Because that’s what she is, a true pro. We very rarely see her
true self, almost everything she’s said has been so disciplined and calm. It’s
quite scary – she has a considerably cooler head than anyone in Kings Landing (relative
to her duties, anyway).
On another note, we have
another child king. Every time I hear “long may he reign”, I think…Joffrey died
without doing even a couple of years!
Across
the narrow sea
“I will not let those I have freed slide back into chains”
We get to see what seems to
count as a strategy meeting with the Khaleesi, where she gets update with
Westeros events. She seemed only somewhat interested to hear of Joffrey’s
death, but more interestingly we heard some calculus of what she has to play
with: about 10,000 soldiers (8,000 unsullied, 2,000 2nd sons) and 93
ships (which can hold 100 each). Oh, and 2 dragons, although nobody seems to
talk about them anymore.
Ser Barristan and Daario Naharis sound like they want
to invade Kings Landing now, but Jorah as usual is the real voice of reason,
making the point that 10,000 soldiers might take KL but is nowhere near enough
to take Westeros or defend KL against the Lannisters’ allies. However, Ser
Barristan makes the good point that the other houses will side with whoever
they think will win. Remember, dragons. Dragons will win. So all in all an
impromptu invasion of Westeros doesn’t sound too bad, but again Ser Jorah makes
a good point: the slaves liberated by Daenerys have become, er, unliberated.
And some madcap pretender has made himself emperor in Astapor.
The look on Daenerys’s face
when she turns away was tremendous: at once “tired of this shit, I wanna kill
more slavers” and “dammit, I’m gonna have to be good, aren’t I?”. One of my
biggest criticisms of this storyline is that, well, it’s not a storyline. It’s
jujst one roaring success after another and acts as the antidote to the
politics-heavy climate of Westeros, as Daenerys doesn’t need to compromise or
play politics. She has dragons, in an age when nobody alive has seen a dragon. However,
her storyline does have the only feelgood factor to it, so that’s something. Anyway,
Ser Jorah looks pleased to have maintained his “closest advisor” role. Here’s
hoping that Daenerys will stay in and take over Essos and leave that shitpile
Westeros well behind. About time we saw her get down to the dirty business of
ruling rather than simply winning.
Lord Baelish, Lysa Arryn & Sansa
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| Thanks for oversharing (Lysa Arryn as we remember her). |
“Know your strengths, use them wisely and 1 man can be worth 10,000”
Right off the bat we should
mention the significance of Lysa admitting she killed her husband John, for
Petyr. You know what this means, don’t you? This, right here, is the steaming
pile of extramarital turd that kickstarted everything in the Game of Thrones.
Cast your minds back to season 1 – why did Ned Stark come to Kings Landing?
Robert Baratheon was suspicious about John of Arryn’s death and wanted Ned, a
man of Stark-integrity (and note how naturally his head rolls across the floor)
to investigate. Turns out it was all orchestrated by Lord Baelish, and
definitely NOT because he wanted to schtup Lysa into next week (those sounds will
never leave Sansa’s head). It turns out, then, Lord Baelish is a considerably
more deadly character than I gave him credit for…not only did he kill the Hand
of the King, but also a King. For all of Tywin’s ruthlessness, Tyrion’s intellectual
firepower and Robb Stark’s sheer Starkness, Lord Baelish was the one spinning
the top in his hand. Simply staggering. Good ol’ GoT. Anyway, despite all that,
Baelish has the look of a man who thinks he might’ve made a mistake.
Later, we get a girl-talk
between Sansa and Lysa, culminating in a harrowing cross-examination (or
“mindfuck” if you prefer) of Sansa by Lysa, particularly in relation to what
Petyr may have done with Sansa. A recurring theme in the episode is the sad
comment that a lot of a lady’s worth in those times was measured by what was
between her legs. Anyway, Sansa perks up slightly when Lysa tells her she’ll be
the Lady of the Vale…if she marries Robin, Lysa’s son (who is also a little
off-kilter, mind).
Cersei doesn’t want to get married
to the flower Knight (or whatever Ser Loras is called), in the same way Baelish
doesn’t really want to get married to the Lady of Arryn. However, Cersei’s
reason is considerably more legitimate (Ser Loras being a “pillow-biter” and
all). Also, only a fortnight for the mourning of Joffrey? The Lannisters really
are ruthless. Allow me to direct you to some choice lines from Tywin:
On Margaery and Tommen’s
forthcoming wedding: [there should be] “…no 77 course meals”.
On Robert Baratheon: “He used
to pat me on the back a lot. I didn’t trust him.”
On the Iron Bank of Braavos: “You
can’t run from them…cheat them…sway them with excuses…”.
Tywin lets us in on some of the
financial and industrial matters in Westeros: the mines aren’t producing any
more mineral and the Lannisters owe a lot to the Iron Bank of Braavos. In
season 1 we discovered that the crown itself owes half its debt to the
Lannisters. So ultimately it all ends in a bank – what a surprise. Anyway,
Tywin’s matchmaking is all a ploy to ensure that Lannister debt becomes Tyrell
debt, and apparently, they’re quite rich.
As for the Iron Bank, this is
the second time we’ve heard about them, the first being Ser Davos’s cunning
plan (whatever it is). The Lannister empire seems to be built on debt, and
Lannisters always repay their debts (whilst creating new ones). It was odd hearing
Tywin sound quite resigned when talking about the Iron Bank, as a force that he
cannot bend to his will. Normally, his hunger, killer instinct and pragmatism
seem boundless, but here he was highly respectful, almost afraid of them. What
happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object? Why, this Iron
Bank reminds me of the single greatest force mankind has ever known – the
international bond markets. They can bring entire countries to their knees in a
matter of days, in a way that the US, China or the UN can’t even dream of.
Anyway. I wonder if this will have any interaction with Ser Davos’s plan, whatever
it is…
Hound
and Arya
We’ve heard about how ruthless
the Braavosi are about chasing down debt, another talent seems to be poncy
fighting. The Hound makes a number of references to them being greasy with a
gratuitous use of the c-word. Anyway, it’s a bit difficult to place these
scenes anywhere except “coming of age”. Arya learns to fight for real rather
than waterdancing and, basically, the truth of the pudding is in the eating: if
you live and your enemy dies, your enemy probably isn’t the greatest fighter
ever. Speaking of the greatest fighter in Westeros…
Oberyn Martell & Cersei
“What good is power if you can’t protect the ones you love?”
This is a purely dramatic segment, as
Cersei gets to talk about the human tragedy of it all. Oh, and she gets to tug
on Oberyn’s children-loving-heartstrings, as she knows he’s on the panel to
judge Tyrion. Clever little fox. We get to hear about Myrcella for the first
time in a while, as she’s now a ward of the Tyrells. The only other ward we
know of is Theon, and he turned out ok, right?! The theme of women and their
bodies continues here, as Oberyn assures Cersei that Dorne is nice to children,
but Cersei replies: “Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls”. Powerful
stuff, particularly speaking to war crimes and rape in particular (remember
Elia and The Mountain). Cersei’s mother died when she was four, so she’s felt
loss personally. These two actually seem like an appropriate couple, unlike…
Brienne of Tarth and Podrick
We get some great buddy comedy
and then a typical Game of Thrones revelation, from way back when: Podrick
tells Brienne that he had to kill a Kingsguard in order to protect Tyrion. Now
Brienne knows someone in power tried to kill Tyrion and eventually everyone
will know. One
thing about Westeros: no secrets ever get buried forever.
The North
“I saw you die tonight…I saw your body burn…I saw the snow fall and
bury your bones”
My, 2 consecutive episodes in
the North, Messrs Benioff and Weiss really are spoiling us! So, a lot happened
here. We saw more vague but portentous future for Bran, with a red tree that
looked like it belonged in some sort of 18th century painting rather
than GoT. I won’t speculate on this in depth but I suspect it may be related to
the arrival of the Andals in Westeros. Or perhaps related to dragonglass, which
they’ll use to fight the White Walkers?
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| Oh, excuse me. Sorry about this... |
Craster’s Keep continues its
licentious ways, with Karl getting ready to do some nasty things with Bran’s
friends. However, for some reason, the time shift between Jon Snow saying “we
move at sundown” and Karl’s scene seemed to have a time gap in between them,
which seemed odd if not quite ‘wrong’. Anyway, we get a “just in the nick of
time” intervention and Bran et al get away. We get literally a few feet away
from the first reunion of two Starks for a long time, but in typical GoT
fashion, we don’t get it. Apparently, we haven’t earned it yet – this would be
a potentially significant moment. Also, Locke’s story ends abruptly, at the
hands of Hodor. Atleast Jon Snow and Ghost get reunited! A special moment.
Jon Snow seems to suffer from
the same problem as Arya in that he tries to fight pretty, while Karl fights
pragmatically (a bit like Bronn, you might say). Anyway, help from a Craster
widow saves his bacon. The motif of women, their bodies and their freedom comes
along again as the women decide to take their chances on the road rather than
go back to Castle Black (100 men and about 15 women? No chance). GoT seems to
loosely model a medieval Europe, where women were traded, raped and used as
commodities, and although it’s been shunted to the edges, it pops up every now
and again. Like Lysa’s disgust at what the women do with their bodies at
Littlefinger’s brothels. The women at the brothel seem relatively empowered. While
the ones at Craster’s Keep have literally been used as objects, but ultimately
the result is the same for all of them. Do you remember Roz? Remember how she
died? In GoT, the tragedy isn’t always about swords and sandals.
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